Taking Ownership: What Makes It Difficult and Why You Should Do It Anyway.

What Philosopher L.A. Paul, Cochlear Implants, and Maintaining Authenticity Shows us About the Importance of Ownership Amidst Life's TRANSITIONS.

I left my corporate job at the end of last year.

My daughter also received a cochlear implant last year - a surgically implanted device that bypasses damaged or missing parts of the ear, sending sound directly to the auditory nerve.

The week I decided to quit also happened to be the week she had surgery.

I recall arriving at children's hospital very early. The surgery takes time, implanting both sides, and we were the second of two procedures that morning. Anesthesia, in general is unsettling but when administered to your two-year-old; I remember it being a pretty uncomfortable waiting room experience.

Eventually, the doctor made his way to the lounge where my wife and I were seated on a fake leather love seat. As he walked toward us I studied his face, anxious for clues.

He was stoic-looking. His facial expressions providing nothing.

"I’m finished," he said, sitting on a chair opposite us, looking somewhat unimpressed with himself. "I tested both sides. Positive response. She did great."

"Does this means she can hear?" my wife asked - tears filling her eyes.

"Correct. The nurse will call you back in about fifteen minutes and I'll see you back in about five days."

It was a lot to process. A lot of joy. Gratitude.

I noticed the time, it was 11:15 AM. In the time before lunch, he'd given not just one but two toddlers the ability to hear.

The days that followed were intense with thought. Seeing her recover, realizing how much of ourselves we would need to be dedicated to her new reality.

Also that I should quit my job.

In the military, although unaware I’d achieved satisfaction, content in a system of very high-purpose and decent pay. Somehow, however many years later and not all at once, I resided in a place of high pay and little to no purpose.

I'd somehow given up ownership.

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In military TRANSITION, one might assume a positive correlation between military success - things such as rank, prior leadership, elite units, combat - and personal and professional success afterward.

While sometimes that’s true, we know it's not a very reliable predictor.

Many even become inhibited by prestigious military careers and alternatively, some seem to be limited by what they perceive as lacking military careers.

Perhaps success in TRANSITION has less to do with what we did and more about the story we're telling ourselves. How we understand our experience. How objective are we, and to what extent we take ownership?

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When my wife and I first realized our daughter was deaf, someone recomended "Transformative Experience" by philosopher Laurie Ann Paul.

It's a challenging read, and I didn't think much of it until I noticed her being interviewed on the Tim Ferris Show last week and went back to reread.

In the text, Paul uses the example of Cochlear Implants to understand transformative experiences. Be it that it's common for deaf children to have both a hearing and non-hearing parent, the question of whether to implant the child comes from an interesting vantage point - for one parent or the other.

Neither parent has complete information as to what their child's life will be like once the decision is made.

(A world with sound or a world without.)

To varying degrees, this is true when we find ourselves amidst life’s TRANSITION – the periods that follow transformative experiences, be it military separation or otherwise. When we find ourselves transformed, motivated, and lacking complete knowledge.

This is where ownership becomes critical.

Paul points out the value that can be derived from the following:

Acknowledge the transformative nature of your TRANSITION. Likely, who we are post-military (or any transformational experience) has fundamentally changed; whether we perceive that as positive or negative, doesn’t make it any more or less true.

Come to terms.

We all know individuals separated from a job, the military, or a sports team and never seem to let go of the identity part. Whether the parents choose to pursue a cochlear implant or not, the child is transformed by the decision and by accepting the outcome, the child can take it’s first steps forward, become proficient, be it in sign language or spoken communication.

Embrace the unknown. As you attempt to understand what's next in life and career, embrace the incompleteness of your understanding.

It's common to see higher-ranking vets struggle here. Perhaps holding too tight to their experience in command – determined to enter the private sector in what they perceive to be a lateral transfer.

Similarly, Paul argues that a child is likely to benefit if he or she is encouraged to embrace their new reality as either a recipient of the implant or as a member of the deaf community. Accepting its newness and seeing it as an opportunity to learn.

Hold tight to your agency and authenticity. Paul details the necessity of agency as we move through transformative experiences. We must see external pressures for what they are, taking ownership of our uniqueness as our post TRANSITION identity forms.

Letting go of expectations and what templated tracks exist for people who've come before us. Also common in the vet community, and certainly in the SEAL community.

Regardless of the parent's choice, agency must be afforded to the child. The transformative experience has occurred, and they must develop in their own unique way.

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More than a few times, I've questioned to what extent my daughter's deafness, my change in perspective, and the lessons I've derived are coincidences.

I don't know.

I do know that on the day of her surgery, noticing the surgeon, I experienced a transformation in my priorities.

It was clearly unacceptable to allow my job to interfere with my daughters development.

Also, it was clear there was a misalignment in my career more broadly; thinking about the idea of the surgeon and the apparent purpose in his work, made me notice the ambiguous nature of my own.

I realized I'd given up ownership. The same ownership that gave me the confidence to drop out of college and join the Navy.

It was time to take it back.

Paul, L. A. (2014). Transformative Experience. Oxford University Press.