Observations on Ego Amidst Life's TRANSITIONS.
Understanding the three key perceptions that define our essence.
The first job I took after leaving the Navy lasted about 18 months. I accepted it largely out of necessity—a reason that seldom leads to longevity. But that's not the focus of this article.
I had trouble connecting with the firm’s mission, my identity and my thoughts were still with the SEAL teams and I struggled to find interest in the work I was doing.
After 18 months, for a multitude of reasons, I put in my two-weeks.
The week I left, the owner and I met at a coffee shop on the south end of Denver. He knew it was coming, but nonetheless wished to learn from the experience – to recap everything that had happened and to understand what changed over time. The two of us had navigated some challenging times together, the start of the pandemic, and he was curious as to what might make the firm a better place to work.
I explained and he listened and it was a healthy conversation.
Before shaking hands, he shared a bit of feedback that surprised me. A few comments which were intended to say, “Here’s what it feels like to work with you,” although he never actually said that.
He shared some kind words and then told me, “Your mood can be hard to read at times. We see you in the mornings… Not knowing what to think. We weren’t sure if you were upset, irritated by something to do with work. Or perhaps dealing with something personally. That kind of thing can have an impact. Especially on the people that work for you.”
I was really taken aback - caught off guard by the comment. Was that true? Am I someone who projects their frustrations and emotions outwardly? Was I that guy? I know that guy and I don’t want to be him.
I thought about for years and have now come to the conclusion that what shapes the experience of being in a relationship, be it a friendship, romantic relationship, or a professional relationship is a person’s ability to align three key perceptions.
· How we see ourselves (Our ego),
· How others perceive us,
· How we actually exist in the world (reality).
In my own story, what was really painful, was not that I was outwardly projecting my thoughts (although it is embarrassing), or that my attitude may have had a negative impact on our team – it’s that I was unaware this was happening; that there was space between the way I saw myself and the way others perceived me.
I had left a cultural standard with particular norms. One where members eat, sleep, and work together with blurred lines between life and work and entered into a new world with new standards. One that expects positivity and optimism, regardless of what may be happening outside the office.
I’d missed it.
Imagine the three perceptions as arrows stuck in a target; the closer the grouping, the less resistance we will have navigating our social, professional, and romantic relationships.
The people we know with tight shot groups, we admire (at least I do), they’re authentic, ‘down to earth’ and generally enjoyable to be in a relationship with. They see themselves as we see them, accurately.
Although no one is in complete equilibrium, the opposite, as you can imagine, can be painful. They can be challenging to maintain relationships with. They risk presenting as egotistical, perhaps misjudging their level of competence, or they might lack confidence - unable to realize true potential.
Considering your own shot group is likely a humbling exercise. If it’s not… seek help.
When you begin to see these disparities, you won’t be able to unsee them.
You’ll start to notice talented people, who unfortunately can’t see what you see. You’ll see individuals with thigh confidence, and low competence. People who are adored by others but not loved by themselves.
Consider your own grouping. If you do it right, it’ll likely be humbling. (And if it’s not… Start over.)
How do I see myself? How do others perceive me? And how do I truly exist?
How can I bring the three closer?
The art for this piece was created by Sarah Rossetti, you can find her work at
https://www.invadergirlart.com/
Thanks Sam. Ongoing process for me.
Great piece, Ben. That bit about being unaware of how we present ourselves is painfully true - there is much wisdom in this knowledge alone.